Posted by: shyflutterby | April 3, 2012

Stress and what is it doing to Bug?!

So after a horrible weekend with Pops, I’m sitting here wide awake and it’s 3:45am. I did and said something I shouldn’t have to Bug after a mental break down on Sunday. Then it dawned on me how horrible it must be for her. What kind of life is it for her to slowly see in her home her Pops slowly fade away, and her Mom lose her cool. She’s showing signs of stress and anxiety. She can’t wait to get out of the house even for just a trip to the store without me. I don’t know how to handle this. I want her to know that as stressed as I am, and even tho I cry for 2 hours straight I am still strong enough to keep her safe. I feel like a failure as a parent because she’s only 5 years old and has to help me do grown up things like do little things to care for Pops. She is such a wonderful kid and GIANT help to me. She helps make dinner, she helps take Pops to and from places he needs to go in the house, She helps put him to bed helps getting him up. She gives him his medicines, feeds him, makes him drink his water. She does so much for me that when she goes to school she’s going to feel such relief to have some load taken off of her!! She’s also stressed about that. Afraid to leave me telling me that she needs to stay with me so she can help me out when I need it. How do you take stress off a child when you need that child to lessen the stress of everyone in the house?!?! She’s only 5 and dealing with the same things that I at 34 am having a hard time dealing with. She’s 5 and doesn’t totally understand what is happening around her. She doesn’t see that it’s just the 3 of us fending for ourselves. She also doesn’t see the many times I cry because I can’t handle the changes and demands on me. I try to let her see me cry, and to hear me pray for strength and guidance. But when I cry it scares her. She is there to tell me not to cry, and to hold me and has even wiped tears from my cheeks. It can’t be good for her at all. And I just don’t know how to teach her to handle stress in a healthy way. How do you teach that when you don’t even know how to do it for yourself?!

Posted by: shyflutterby | March 24, 2012

WOW how time flies and disappears!!

So it’s been forever since I’ve posted on here. So here’s a update. I’ve lost my job, Pops is slowly fading, and Bug starts Kindergarten in August.

I lost my job 2 years ago, shortly after that Pops ended up in the hospital and it’s been a major battle ever since. I spend most of my day doing things for him, and Bug in between. So my stress level and disire to not be at home is even higher then it’s ever been. I’ve lost all my friends, including Bug’s dad. My parents moved back but the only thing that does for me is give me someone to talk to about their stress. I love my parents but the stress I have seems to go uncared about. When I talk to my Mom about these things she can only tell me that “god has great plans for me.” That statement doesn’t help me vent, or get a Hug or feel like someone else is willing to help me. I just want to cry, and take bug and never have to deal with getting old again!

Bug…..my gift from god! When I say God knew what he was doing when he gave me her. I mean it more then anything else in this world. She is so intelligent, so full of life! If i’m busy doing something and Pops needs something she will tell me “relax I got him.” She will help me get in bed each night, and since feeding him has become part of our daily routine she will try to help with that. it useally ends up with food up his nose or on his face instead of his mouth. But she tries! I’m not saying she’s a perfect child she does have her moments. Thursday night when it was bed time she laid in her bed and cried until 2 am. Which means I was up until after that then both her and I having to get up at 9am to get her dressed and ready to go to Dad’s house. She woke up angry and head full of snot. She cried as she got dressed and cried as she walked out the door. She was not a happy kid! She just wanted to sleep.

Since she starts school in August I’m trying to figure out where to enroll her. The school district we live in is HORRIBLE!! Under funded, and very low on scores. So, I was thinking about sending her to a private Christian school. But that costs money and money is something I don’t have. I don’t even get any money from her dad for her basic needs. Poor kid would be in nothing but underwear if it weren’t for my parents buying her clothes. I’m going to try and get scholarships and grants for her to go but i have to wait until next month to even start that process. My other option is to use my sisters address to send Bug to school in that district. That is a last resort.

So needless to say life here in pretty stressful yet uneventful!

Posted by: shyflutterby | October 4, 2009

Always a brides maid never a bride….

With a twist to it. You know how most matchmakers in the old days were always single and had the ability to match the perfect couple? That’s me. I personally have 3 successful marriages that I have created. I have taken people and matched them with barely knowing them and created in some cases a happy family. That’s just since I realized just how good I am at reading people. Each year it’s that much better. So, why can’t I do the same thing for myself? Why is it my choice in men end up being total losers that I think I can fix?? Ok so I already know that I have Co dependency issues. Tonight I took a guy I was interested in and hooked up with another friend of mine, because I knew that it would be better for him and for her for them to go down that road. I’ve already told my BFF the man she is ment to be with, but because of some past issues that she has she keeps pushing him away. Finding reason’s to deny what is ment to be. That’s just her. Bug’s Dad was a re bound for the man who I still to this day think I am ment to be with. Only down side…..he couldn’t keep me in his life in that aspect out of fairness to me because he couldn’t walk away from his responsibility to his children and ex wife. I respect him for his love and devotion to them…..but yet hate that he didn’t think I could handle that he was tied to all of them for life. Even after having Bug he didn’t think I knew where he was coming from. Even tho I want so badly to kick Bug’s father out of our life but suck up my feelings towards him for the sake of Bug. He’s not a bad man, just not the most intelligent of men. I know that Bug’s dad is a part of my life for the rest of my life, just like his ex and his children are. But I’ve gotten off topic here.

I started this post because I’m so good at judging people and seeing just what they truly are behind the facade that most people put up for the public to see. I’ve been raised to see what people truly are. Read the body language, watch the facial expressions. listen to what they say and how they say it to see if what they are saying is truly what they mean.  So how come when it comes to men for myself I can’t do that? I’ve be able to pick one man out of 10 and say that man is perfect for this friend of mine or vice verse. I can seriously pick out a guy and tell you just who that man is ment to be with. I could even do it blind folded!!  People are very easy to read if you pay close enough attention. but yet, ask me which man is going to be right for me and I will pick the worst one possible. That’s a big reason why I’ve stopped dating. I’ve tried to pick the opposite of what I would normally choose but in the end I end up with Bug’s dad. A good guy with no brains, low self esteem. So, tell me…….why is it a matchmaker never finds her own match???

Posted by: shyflutterby | August 24, 2009

it’s that time of year again……

For my entire adult life it never seems to fail. If things are going to go wrong it’s usually in Oct, Nov or Dec.  the past few years it seems to be moving closer and closer.  Last year it was Sept when I was told I wasn’t going to be a full time employee anymore and that my position was going to the under trained, Gay black man.  This year, it started last week.  

I’m sitting at work Monday the 17Th, it had been a boring slow day. I decided to leave when the rest of the staff leaves instead of staying my scheduled 30 extra mins.  I hop into my car, light up my cig, and pull out on the street.  Sitting at the light waiting for the turn arrow to come on so I can turn left and get on the high way and head home……….. the light turns green the 2 cars in front of my turn and I follow behind them……then the next thing I know a horn is honking at me and then CRASH!!!!!  I feel something smack the right side of my head, my glasses went flying, I look up at the traffic light and it’s still green.  I catch my breath and start fumbling around looking for my glasses.  I can’t find them so I grab my phone and get out of the car to check on the people in the other car.  I approach their Window and ask them “are you guys OK?”  I get told “no”.  realizing they are Hispanics I ask them if they speak English and i get a very short, rude and disgusted “NO!” So I then call 911.   Medics, firemen, and police arrive on scene.  His car is blocking the entire street going one way and my car is blocking a turn lane.   I knew I was in trouble. I knew that I would get blamed for it.  All because I was driving on a suspended license, with expired insurance.   My DL was suspended about 2 years ago. I’ve been able to have it back for over a year as long as I could pay for an SR-22, and a fine that i haven’t been able to pay.  So it boils down to this……..my lack of income, has turned me into a criminal because I had to  choose between food and clothing, and make it to work, or spend it all on my car so I can just earn the money to pay the insurance, and gas.    Anyway, My car is gone. it’s sitting in city impound with a broken Axel. And I’m trying to keep my eyes open here at work after my first public bus ride in my life.  being up at 5 and out the door by 5:30 just to make it to work with 5 mins to spare is not my style. But, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it. 

I’m go to Court on Oct 16th for the accident as well as the other counts they had gotten me on. Chances are they will be asking for jail time. Which means a year in jail. And Custody of Bug going to her father. So needless to say, my depression is a little wacko right now.

I’m kicking myself for being stupid, and kicking myself because the cops believed the non English speaking liars, over me.  They said I ran the red light.  I’m kicking my self for leaving work early because maybe if I had just stayed my full time it wouldn’t have happened. I’m kicking myself for putting myself in this situation to go to jail and lose my only reason for living.  I’m kicking myself because I really loved my car!! I’m kicking myself because I now have to take the bus every day, and get to feel like out of place.  I’m kicking myself because I don’t like thinking about just the negative things in my life, but sometimes I just can’t help it! I’m kicking myself because you’d think that at almost 32 years of age I wouldn’t be in this situation!  I’m kicking myself for my selfishness and for driving when I knew I shouldn’t have! And I’m kicking myself for wishing I could just sleep thru this.  Wake up and have it all be just a bad dream, That I did really get into an accident and I’m not looking at going to jail.  Just so I can do it differently.  BUT we all know that can’t happen.  uhmpf….

Posted by: shyflutterby | August 4, 2009

Seriously….ALREADY?!

Saturday night, I’m sitting in mine and Bug’s Bedroom watching TV. This isn’t unsommon during baseball season. The TV in teh living room is for all baseball games that are broadcast. Anyway, bug come strolling into the room, stops in the door way and rasies her hand in the air. Waving, and says……….”Hi Cinny” turns around and goes back to the living room.  I sat there in aww, No one calls me by my name. people at work my parents when I’m in trouble, but never anything more then Cin, or Soupy. So to have Bug call me by my first name just struck me in a variety of ways. First it was hilarius. Oh so non chalantly, like it’s want she’s called me her whole life. Like I’m not her Mom, or Mommy, or Mama. I’m just the person living in her house named Cindy. I expected her to pick up on the Soupy WAY before she picked up on Cindy! 

The rest of the weekend I was “Cinny”.  We go to a water park and while playing in the water it’s not “look mommy” it’s “look Cinny”. “I no hungry Cinny”  “Cinny I take a bath now?”   She would slip here and there and call me Mom.  She’s not even 3 yet and I’ve lost being that special person “MOM” in her life.  Sigh……..maybe one day I will be that person again. 

In the meantime she’s obsessed with “mine Fautter”  for her Dad. “mine Boy fend” for our neighbor Jeremy.  And last but not least…..” Mine cat Yillow Ann”  For our cat Willow.

Ahhh the language progression of a 2 1/2 year old. It makes me laugh, and a small part of me cry.

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