Posted by: shyflutterby | August 24, 2009

it’s that time of year again……

For my entire adult life it never seems to fail. If things are going to go wrong it’s usually in Oct, Nov or Dec.  the past few years it seems to be moving closer and closer.  Last year it was Sept when I was told I wasn’t going to be a full time employee anymore and that my position was going to the under trained, Gay black man.  This year, it started last week.  

I’m sitting at work Monday the 17Th, it had been a boring slow day. I decided to leave when the rest of the staff leaves instead of staying my scheduled 30 extra mins.  I hop into my car, light up my cig, and pull out on the street.  Sitting at the light waiting for the turn arrow to come on so I can turn left and get on the high way and head home……….. the light turns green the 2 cars in front of my turn and I follow behind them……then the next thing I know a horn is honking at me and then CRASH!!!!!  I feel something smack the right side of my head, my glasses went flying, I look up at the traffic light and it’s still green.  I catch my breath and start fumbling around looking for my glasses.  I can’t find them so I grab my phone and get out of the car to check on the people in the other car.  I approach their Window and ask them “are you guys OK?”  I get told “no”.  realizing they are Hispanics I ask them if they speak English and i get a very short, rude and disgusted “NO!” So I then call 911.   Medics, firemen, and police arrive on scene.  His car is blocking the entire street going one way and my car is blocking a turn lane.   I knew I was in trouble. I knew that I would get blamed for it.  All because I was driving on a suspended license, with expired insurance.   My DL was suspended about 2 years ago. I’ve been able to have it back for over a year as long as I could pay for an SR-22, and a fine that i haven’t been able to pay.  So it boils down to this……..my lack of income, has turned me into a criminal because I had to  choose between food and clothing, and make it to work, or spend it all on my car so I can just earn the money to pay the insurance, and gas.    Anyway, My car is gone. it’s sitting in city impound with a broken Axel. And I’m trying to keep my eyes open here at work after my first public bus ride in my life.  being up at 5 and out the door by 5:30 just to make it to work with 5 mins to spare is not my style. But, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it. 

I’m go to Court on Oct 16th for the accident as well as the other counts they had gotten me on. Chances are they will be asking for jail time. Which means a year in jail. And Custody of Bug going to her father. So needless to say, my depression is a little wacko right now.

I’m kicking myself for being stupid, and kicking myself because the cops believed the non English speaking liars, over me.  They said I ran the red light.  I’m kicking my self for leaving work early because maybe if I had just stayed my full time it wouldn’t have happened. I’m kicking myself for putting myself in this situation to go to jail and lose my only reason for living.  I’m kicking myself because I really loved my car!! I’m kicking myself because I now have to take the bus every day, and get to feel like out of place.  I’m kicking myself because I don’t like thinking about just the negative things in my life, but sometimes I just can’t help it! I’m kicking myself because you’d think that at almost 32 years of age I wouldn’t be in this situation!  I’m kicking myself for my selfishness and for driving when I knew I shouldn’t have! And I’m kicking myself for wishing I could just sleep thru this.  Wake up and have it all be just a bad dream, That I did really get into an accident and I’m not looking at going to jail.  Just so I can do it differently.  BUT we all know that can’t happen.  uhmpf….

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