Always a brides maid never a bride….
Posted by: shyflutterby on: October 4, 2009
With a twist to it. You know how most matchmakers in the old days were always single and had the ability to match the perfect couple? That’s me. I personally have 3 successful marriages that I have created. I have taken people and matched them with barely knowing them and created in some cases a happy family. That’s just since I realized just how good I am at reading people. Each year it’s that much better. So, why can’t I do the same thing for myself? Why is it my choice in men end up being total losers that I think I can fix?? Ok so I already know that I have Co dependency issues. Tonight I took a guy I was interested in and hooked up with another friend of mine, because I knew that it would be better for him and for her for them to go down that road. I’ve already told my BFF the man she is ment to be with, but because of some past issues that she has she keeps pushing him away. Finding reason’s to deny what is ment to be. That’s just her. Bug’s Dad was a re bound for the man who I still to this day think I am ment to be with. Only down side…..he couldn’t keep me in his life in that aspect out of fairness to me because he couldn’t walk away from his responsibility to his children and ex wife. I respect him for his love and devotion to them…..but yet hate that he didn’t think I could handle that he was tied to all of them for life. Even after having Bug he didn’t think I knew where he was coming from. Even tho I want so badly to kick Bug’s father out of our life but suck up my feelings towards him for the sake of Bug. He’s not a bad man, just not the most intelligent of men. I know that Bug’s dad is a part of my life for the rest of my life, just like his ex and his children are. But I’ve gotten off topic here.
I started this post because I’m so good at judging people and seeing just what they truly are behind the facade that most people put up for the public to see. I’ve been raised to see what people truly are. Read the body language, watch the facial expressions. listen to what they say and how they say it to see if what they are saying is truly what they mean. So how come when it comes to men for myself I can’t do that? I’ve be able to pick one man out of 10 and say that man is perfect for this friend of mine or vice verse. I can seriously pick out a guy and tell you just who that man is ment to be with. I could even do it blind folded!! People are very easy to read if you pay close enough attention. but yet, ask me which man is going to be right for me and I will pick the worst one possible. That’s a big reason why I’ve stopped dating. I’ve tried to pick the opposite of what I would normally choose but in the end I end up with Bug’s dad. A good guy with no brains, low self esteem. So, tell me…….why is it a matchmaker never finds her own match???
it’s that time of year again……
Posted by: shyflutterby on: August 24, 2009
- In: Anxiety | Depression | Finacial | Home | Mental Health | Serious Thoughts | single mom | Single Parenting | work
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For my entire adult life it never seems to fail. If things are going to go wrong it’s usually in Oct, Nov or Dec. the past few years it seems to be moving closer and closer. Last year it was Sept when I was told I wasn’t going to be a full time employee anymore and that my position was going to the under trained, Gay black man. This year, it started last week.
I’m sitting at work Monday the 17Th, it had been a boring slow day. I decided to leave when the rest of the staff leaves instead of staying my scheduled 30 extra mins. I hop into my car, light up my cig, and pull out on the street. Sitting at the light waiting for the turn arrow to come on so I can turn left and get on the high way and head home……….. the light turns green the 2 cars in front of my turn and I follow behind them……then the next thing I know a horn is honking at me and then CRASH!!!!! I feel something smack the right side of my head, my glasses went flying, I look up at the traffic light and it’s still green. I catch my breath and start fumbling around looking for my glasses. I can’t find them so I grab my phone and get out of the car to check on the people in the other car. I approach their Window and ask them “are you guys OK?” I get told “no”. realizing they are Hispanics I ask them if they speak English and i get a very short, rude and disgusted “NO!” So I then call 911. Medics, firemen, and police arrive on scene. His car is blocking the entire street going one way and my car is blocking a turn lane. I knew I was in trouble. I knew that I would get blamed for it. All because I was driving on a suspended license, with expired insurance. My DL was suspended about 2 years ago. I’ve been able to have it back for over a year as long as I could pay for an SR-22, and a fine that i haven’t been able to pay. So it boils down to this……..my lack of income, has turned me into a criminal because I had to choose between food and clothing, and make it to work, or spend it all on my car so I can just earn the money to pay the insurance, and gas. Anyway, My car is gone. it’s sitting in city impound with a broken Axel. And I’m trying to keep my eyes open here at work after my first public bus ride in my life. being up at 5 and out the door by 5:30 just to make it to work with 5 mins to spare is not my style. But, I made my bed and now I have to lye in it.
I’m go to Court on Oct 16th for the accident as well as the other counts they had gotten me on. Chances are they will be asking for jail time. Which means a year in jail. And Custody of Bug going to her father. So needless to say, my depression is a little wacko right now.
I’m kicking myself for being stupid, and kicking myself because the cops believed the non English speaking liars, over me. They said I ran the red light. I’m kicking my self for leaving work early because maybe if I had just stayed my full time it wouldn’t have happened. I’m kicking myself for putting myself in this situation to go to jail and lose my only reason for living. I’m kicking myself because I really loved my car!! I’m kicking myself because I now have to take the bus every day, and get to feel like out of place. I’m kicking myself because I don’t like thinking about just the negative things in my life, but sometimes I just can’t help it! I’m kicking myself because you’d think that at almost 32 years of age I wouldn’t be in this situation! I’m kicking myself for my selfishness and for driving when I knew I shouldn’t have! And I’m kicking myself for wishing I could just sleep thru this. Wake up and have it all be just a bad dream, That I did really get into an accident and I’m not looking at going to jail. Just so I can do it differently. BUT we all know that can’t happen. uhmpf….
Seriously….ALREADY?!
Posted by: shyflutterby on: August 4, 2009
- In: Bug | Family | Home | single mom | Single Parenting
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Saturday night, I’m sitting in mine and Bug’s Bedroom watching TV. This isn’t unsommon during baseball season. The TV in teh living room is for all baseball games that are broadcast. Anyway, bug come strolling into the room, stops in the door way and rasies her hand in the air. Waving, and says……….”Hi Cinny” turns around and goes back to the living room. I sat there in aww, No one calls me by my name. people at work my parents when I’m in trouble, but never anything more then Cin, or Soupy. So to have Bug call me by my first name just struck me in a variety of ways. First it was hilarius. Oh so non chalantly, like it’s want she’s called me her whole life. Like I’m not her Mom, or Mommy, or Mama. I’m just the person living in her house named Cindy. I expected her to pick up on the Soupy WAY before she picked up on Cindy!
The rest of the weekend I was “Cinny”. We go to a water park and while playing in the water it’s not “look mommy” it’s “look Cinny”. “I no hungry Cinny” “Cinny I take a bath now?” She would slip here and there and call me Mom. She’s not even 3 yet and I’ve lost being that special person “MOM” in her life. Sigh……..maybe one day I will be that person again.
In the meantime she’s obsessed with “mine Fautter” for her Dad. “mine Boy fend” for our neighbor Jeremy. And last but not least…..” Mine cat Yillow Ann” For our cat Willow.
Ahhh the language progression of a 2 1/2 year old. It makes me laugh, and a small part of me cry.
some people’s children!!
Posted by: shyflutterby on: July 27, 2009
- In: Anxiety | BF(bug's Father) | Depression | Finacial | Friends | Home | Joint Parenting | single mom | Single Parenting | work
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So, this weekend I allowed BF to take Bug to Wyoming with him for Cheyenne Frontier days. It was his father’s day present. Haha yes I know usually it’s time away from the kids parents ask for. He on the other hand has been dying to take her up there to meet his extended family. It’s not his parents and they all seem like good people. Most of which would talk just as bad about his dad as I do. They were suppose to take his truck. That is technically still mine since he hasn’t paid me the 2nd half of what I’m giving it to him for. I get a call as work last Monday and it’s BF telling me that he was sitting on some side road in another town with Bug, and the truck had thrown a rod. For the non mechanically inclined people this means one thing…..The engine is toast, done, kaput. I could keep going but i think you get it. So, the truck is done with unless we and by that I mean He can buy a new engine. He’s not a smart man, andexpects everything to be done for him because well his father has never let him do anything on his own. He tells me, “Now how am I getting to Wyoming this weekend?” I wanted to tell him “it’s not my job to figure that!” But in stead I tell him….”don’t worry about that right now, just worry about getting Bug out of the heat.” So he called one of his friends to come get him and Bug, and they lock the truck up and get dropped off at my home.
Once I got home all he could do was complain about not getting to go to Wyoming. While all I can do is sit there and try and figure out how to get the truck back in working order. I can’t have him not come take care of Bug my 3 days a week that I work. My Car is a manual Transmission and he doesn’t know how to drive it. Then after a few mins of him complaining about their trip not happening, he finally asked me about the next day. Was I going to take him home and pick him up? Was he going to take my car? Finally thinking about what really needed to thought about. The present. So, after some grumbling and weighting my choices. I knew I didn’t want to drive the 20 mins to his house and then back home that night and I didn’t want to then have to get up at 5 to drive the 45min to an hour(traffic) drive back to pick him up the next day. It wasn’t fair to Bug, my car, or myself. So, he stalled is way home in my car, then stalled his way back the next morning. And that is how it has been ever since. He stalled the car to Wyoming only to get the stomach virus that Bug has lovingly given both him and I. They didn’t get to do anything while they were up there.
Then I got the joy of the stomach virus making a 2nd visit to both Bug and I. I was dying for some juice to drink, and Bug was in desperate need of some pedilight. I could have gone to the store when bug was sleeping leaving her with pops, but i didn’t have my car. I no longer had my freedom. At about 4am I called him and told him he needed to bring us such and such items from the store. Only to be asked…..”when do you need them?” he was hoping I would say not until the afternoon. And I happily told him……..”we needed it hours ago, but I tried to respect your sleep. Can you please go get it now?” he huffed and puffed but he brought all we asked for. I don’t mind being carless, then times like that happen and I am truely stranded.
Then this morning I get into my car to find 6 empty beer cans on my floor board. That was my last straw. I’m all for having a couple beers here and there. But, the fact that my Father is a retired officer I know that I can get busted for having an open container in my vehicle if I were to get pulled over. Now, my car is sitting in the employee parking lot of a hospital with a six pack of empty beer cans in plain sight. What the heck would/are people thinking??!?! I believe that a person does represent the company they work for when they are both inside and outside of work. So now I sit hoping that the people parked next to me aren’t like me and didn’t look into my car. I’m sure they have but I hope not. Anyway, like I said my last straw. I’m livid, no matter who a person is you don’t disrespect their property like that. I’m trying to figure out how to tell him he can no longer use my vehicle but he HAS to be there to take care of Bug. If he’s going to drink and drive my car, andleave his empty cans in it. He can just find someone else’s car to put in jeopardy. I need mine for work as well as basic life needs.
So I think it’s time……
Posted by: shyflutterby on: July 15, 2009
- In: Anxiety | Bug | Depression | Family | Home | Mental Health | Molestation | Serious Thoughts | Sexual Abuse | single mom | Single Parenting
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Time to bring up a subject that I don’t often talk about and when I do it’s usually only to one person. So here goes…….
I was about 4 or 5 years old. My father was a deputy sheriff in a small town here in Colorado, My mom their dispatcher. My sister who is 8 years older then me used to take care of my brother and I when they were at work. I don’t remember the exact details. Just bits and peices. But my Sister molested me. I remember being in the bedroom we shared my brother no where in sight, just me and my sister. She was trying to course me into doing some sexual things to her. I finally gave in. That is one memory I have of it. Another one is when we had come back to the Denver Area to visit my Aunt and cousins. My sister and I were laying my Cousins bed in the middle of the night. And my sister woke me up to have me “play” with her. That is all I can remember, even then it was repressed for along time!
I was in my early 20′s sitting in my college classroom listening to the teacher talking about something. When all the sudden, those memories flashed back into my head. I was in total shock! How could I go my whole childhood and teen years and not know that I was sexually abused?? How could my sister act as if it never happened?? Those were the things running through my head when I remembered it. I wasn’t mad at her, At least I don’t think I was/am. See I had known since I was about 8 years old that my sister was molested by our male cousin, and his friends from the time she was 5 till she was about 16 years old. So, I always thought it was because during the time frame we were away from our cousin is when she did those things to me. It was like she didn’t know better or something. Like it was a cycle and I was going to be the one it stopped with. So I never spoke of it to anyone in my family, and just a few close friends know about this. Then one day I was babysitting for my Sister’s kids and she got home pretty late and we started talking. I was about 24 years old now. Then she stopped and got really serious and told me………..
“I was in therapy the other day, and something suddenly flashed into my head. I don’t know if you remember, or if you do. But I…..”
and I stopped her right there. I told her that I had forgotten about it, but remembered a little bit of it a few years before. She smiled at me holding back tears and she then told me………You can forgive me or you can hate me, But I am very deeply sorry. At the time I didn’t know what to say so I just smiled and nodded my head. Since then nothing has been said about it since. But she and I do have a very strained relationship. She feels I’m a total mooch, and that I’m worthless. And I just can’t stand her “better then anyone” attitude she discovered when she was in 20′s. We clash, plain and simple. Or is it?
I’ve often sat and thought about my feelings toward my sister and wondered if that bit of our past has anything to do with our relationship. My mom and her sister were best friends always talking and doing things together. Something I’ve always wanted with my sister but have never had. She is as close to an opposite to me as you can get. Liberal, rich, materialistic, and very opinionated. I’m Conservative, poor, can’t afford material goods, and to each is own type of attitude. So, when we are on friendly terms she and I spend alot of time debating things. One of my favorite things to do because even thou it may not seem like it but I am very intelligent. I love to learn so I’m constantly googling and reading anything and everything about my topic of interest at any given moment. My sister is fairly intelligent as well. She just doesn’t take in everything like I do. She takes what she wants and that’s it. Anyway, I’m unsure about my reactions to my sexual abuse. I’m not sure if my thougths and feelings about her and what happened are true feelings, or if they are what I’ve told myself to think and feel. If that makes any sense. I do know that because of that I’m terrifed of Bug being touched that way. I’m scared that she will fall victim to someone. More so when I think about dating. I don’t want to be the single mom that starts dating a guy who is only there because her child is easy to get to. I even worried about her grandfather doing something to her when she was only an Infant because he has that pedifile vibe about him. I worry that her unhealthy desire and need to have male attention now at the age of 2 will lead her to be the pray of some sick person! I have pulled her from 3 days cares she was in as a infant and toddler because their husbands were care providers as well. Which baffles me because my story is a female, and they are just as likely as men are to molest children. But, it’s the men I worry about. I’ve never worried about her father in that way thou. So that’s a good thing. I just worry about the people he takes her around when he has her. People I don’t know, have never met. And she can’t tell me about yet. I worry that I won’t be able to protect her from this one danger in life. I’ve been trained to see the signs, as well as remember some of the signs I showed when I was a child. So I watch for them all the time. I’m also afraid that my constant worry about this is going to screw her up.
I wish I could just put her in a glass box and only let her out when I am with her. Never leave her alone with anyone but me. Atleast I know I can’t do that.
